o man sry i havnt talked to u for like ever i miss talkin
As their paws stumble onto the frosty grass As their wet noses nuzzle into their matted fur They’re half freezing in their dirty so called 'home' And day after day They’re trapped and suffering Under the humans They have no power Always cowering down Hungry and cold They’re are so many young So many old And all you hear when you walk inside The whimpering, the yelping, even the crying Feeling sorry as you look into they’re tear filled eyes When you see them staring It makes you cry As they’re ears perk up At the first fait sound As their tail wags You know they’re not just an old hound As their worn out paws Scratch up against the bars I cannot stand the horrible sound They do not belong in this pound They are free too Just like us But why cant they gain any ones trust Rescue an animal And take them home Somewhere huge for them to roam And maybe, just maybe In the fait of heart They’ll forgive And their lives will start!
alright, first things first, less is more! So you can eliminate normally useful words (such as "their") to add a different mystique to your writing.
Also, read it out loud without the line breaks. You might find that somethings that sound good in rhythm actually make no sense (Mainly the use of words such as "as". In order to use the word "as", there must be two actions: The action happening, and the action happening *as* the first is. So for two actions, only one "as" is necessary.)
Also, keep in mind the mood of your work too. At first it invokes a sadness and sympathy for these animals (dogs i'm assuming), yet later you say it'll make you cry that they're doing things like wagging their tails and perking their ears (generally happy notions)
Another suggestion, if you are going without a rhyme scheme, make sure there's no accidental rhymes placed in there. It seems really out of place to build up a rhythm and to suddenly throw it off with a rhyme.
I made a few changes and such, but here's what I came up with. Good luck ^_^ (and yeah, it has been a little too long, so what's up?)
Paws stumble onto frosty grass As wet noses nuzzle into matted fur, Half freezing in a hole called “home.” Yet they go, Day after day, Trapped and suffering Under Man’s watchful hand.
They have no power…
Always cowering down, Hungry and cold. There are so many young, So many old. Step inside to sobering sounds Whimpering, yelping, crying. Sorrow fills tear soaked eyes As you gaze at unstaring their unstaring eyes. It will make you cry As ears somberly perk up At the first faint sound, Tail hanging in lost hope. Quietly, you say, “They’re not just an old hound,” As worn out claws Scrape across the cage.
That sound, that horrible sound.
They do not belong in this place, They should be free as well. Yet they remain unable to gain anyone’s trust? Save an animal, Take them home, Somewhere huge for them to roam.
Maybe, just maybe, In the faint of heart, They’ll forgive And their lives will start!
--
"You only live once and life is short, but if you do it right. . .Once is enough"
"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care"
"Live every day as if it's your last, for all you know it very well might be"
--
When you look into the stars, you are looking into the past. Carter: (incredulously) "You dream about world domination?" Stark: (sheepishly) "Not all the time"
--
When you look into the stars, you are looking into the past. Carter: (incredulously) "You dream about world domination?" Stark: (sheepishly) "Not all the time"
SOMEONE WHO KNOWS POETRY HELP ME PLZZZ
Stuck
Devious Comments
--
"You only live once and life is short, but if you do it right. . .Once is enough"
"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care"
"Live every day as if it's your last, for all you know it very well might be"
~RecognizeMyDisease
As their paws stumble onto the frosty grass
As their wet noses nuzzle into their matted fur
They’re half freezing in their dirty so called 'home'
And day after day
They’re trapped and suffering
Under the humans
They have no power
Always cowering down
Hungry and cold
They’re are so many young
So many old
And all you hear when you walk inside
The whimpering, the yelping, even the crying
Feeling sorry as you look into they’re tear filled eyes
When you see them staring
It makes you cry
As they’re ears perk up
At the first fait sound
As their tail wags
You know they’re not just an old hound
As their worn out paws
Scratch up against the bars
I cannot stand the horrible sound
They do not belong in this pound
They are free too
Just like us
But why cant they gain any ones trust
Rescue an animal
And take them home
Somewhere huge for them to roam
And maybe, just maybe
In the fait of heart
They’ll forgive
And their lives will start!
--
i need somebody to love...or at least love me
Also, read it out loud without the line breaks. You might find that somethings that sound good in rhythm actually make no sense (Mainly the use of words such as "as". In order to use the word "as", there must be two actions: The action happening, and the action happening *as* the first is. So for two actions, only one "as" is necessary.)
Also, keep in mind the mood of your work too. At first it invokes a sadness and sympathy for these animals (dogs i'm assuming), yet later you say it'll make you cry that they're doing things like wagging their tails and perking their ears (generally happy notions)
Another suggestion, if you are going without a rhyme scheme, make sure there's no accidental rhymes placed in there. It seems really out of place to build up a rhythm and to suddenly throw it off with a rhyme.
I made a few changes and such, but here's what I came up with. Good luck ^_^ (and yeah, it has been a little too long, so what's up?)
Paws stumble onto frosty grass
As wet noses nuzzle into matted fur,
Half freezing in a hole called “home.”
Yet they go,
Day after day,
Trapped and suffering
Under Man’s watchful hand.
They have no power…
Always cowering down,
Hungry and cold.
There are so many young,
So many old.
Step inside to sobering sounds
Whimpering, yelping, crying.
Sorrow fills tear soaked eyes
As you gaze at unstaring their unstaring eyes.
It will make you cry
As ears somberly perk up
At the first faint sound,
Tail hanging in lost hope.
Quietly, you say,
“They’re not just an old hound,”
As worn out claws
Scrape across the cage.
That sound, that horrible sound.
They do not belong in this place,
They should be free as well.
Yet they remain unable to gain anyone’s trust?
Save an animal,
Take them home,
Somewhere huge for them to roam.
Maybe, just maybe,
In the faint of heart,
They’ll forgive
And their lives will start!
--
"You only live once and life is short, but if you do it right. . .Once is enough"
"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care"
"Live every day as if it's your last, for all you know it very well might be"
~RecognizeMyDisease
--
When you look into the stars, you are looking into the past.
Carter: (incredulously) "You dream about world domination?"
Stark: (sheepishly) "Not all the time"
--
i need somebody to love...or at least love me
--
i need somebody to love...or at least love me
--
"You only live once and life is short, but if you do it right. . .Once is enough"
"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care"
"Live every day as if it's your last, for all you know it very well might be"
~RecognizeMyDisease
--
When you look into the stars, you are looking into the past.
Carter: (incredulously) "You dream about world domination?"
Stark: (sheepishly) "Not all the time"
--
i need somebody to love...or at least love me
Previous PageNext Page